Coaching When Friends Are Scarce
Coach? Friend?
These roles share some common aspects but there are also critical distinctions.
Today I’m noodling on a recent article in The Atlantic, “Coaching Is the New ‘Asking Your Friends for Help’” As a coach, it’s giving me several “yes, and” moments:
“In some ways, coaching stands in for the free, civic sources of support that over the past decade have been slowly fading away. People are less likely now to be members of the kinds of community groups or religious congregations where they might have previously sought help. People today also have fewer close friends than they used to, and they may be reluctant to rely on those friends for help.”
It’s true that effective coaching shares many characteristics that a good conversation with a trusted friend or mentor possesses. It is also true that we belong to fewer clubs and organizations where we could find someone with a trained ear and open heart to talk to. Much research suggests we have fewer “real friends” (not the social media link-clickers) than people did in the past. But that number has always been low, like one to three people.
“In her book The Outsourced Self, the sociologist Arlie Hochschild writes that when it comes to advice, “anything you pay for is better.” A coach is like a super-friend—someone very smart and attentive who can help you make the best possible decision.”
So, a super-friend? Or as some have said, a Professional Friend? Again, the Venn diagram of coach and friend has overlap. When you engage the services of someone you’re just meeting, you don’t have to worry about what they may think of your issues. And you neither have to, or get to, reciprocate when they want you to listen to them. In a way, going to a coach could dilute your friendships by avoiding a commitment to reciprocity and not inviting intimacy and vulnerability in.
The article points out that many coaches do not possess high levels of training or accreditation:
“Coaches, who in many cases bear no qualifications other than personal experience, do not need to adhere to official standards.”
You can call yourself a coach with no training at all. But others, including me, go through some rigorous preparation that involves study, reading, lectures, practice, feedback, a written, proctored exam, and submitting a video of a coaching sessions for assessment. That’s just for the ICF's ACC badge.
If you think a coach may not have the necessary training, think about what training your friend has.
Overall, the article raised excellent points, maybe lacking detail in places. And I am seeing that coaching helps people. Done well, it can be a profession worthy of respect and something most of us can benefit from, as we do with fitness coaches, professional shoppers, beauticians, and even therapists. They all help us do things where we lack time, perspective, or experience in their respective fields of expertise.
If you’re working to improve yourself in some area, perhaps struggling with it - #coaching can help. I’d like to help. Please DM me if you have questions.
