Quantum Coaching
A conversation may take years to foster change in our clients, probably long after we stop seeing them. And, the actual words we say form a small portion of what they take in, with our tone and body language sending messages as well. It’s yet another reason to listen more than we speak with our clients, and to pay attention to mood, emotion, and energy.
I recently met an old work colleague for a beer and some catching up. We hadn’t seen each other since Y2K days. Nick worked as a technical support analyst at the ISP when I was appointed to manage the support center, battlefield promotion-style.
“Like a supernova whose light reaches us years after the star’s explosion, the meaning of significant conversations often reveals itself long after the words themselves have faded from memory, or even consciousness.”
When we started planning to get together, he mentioned how much a talk I used to give to new hires had stuck with him. After many months I was able to find some old notes for the talk in my cluttered garage, and I made a copy to give him.
Looking it over in the bar, he smiled. “I have to tell you, that talk got me two jobs” he said. He’d remembered the key concepts, including Servant Leadership and the inverted Org Chart, and referenced them in job interviews.
Turn to today when I read A Quantum Theory of Conversation, by João Sevilhano in a newsletter:
“Think of a conversation that fundamentally altered your perspective on something important. Years later, what stuck with you? Probably not the exact words or the specifics of the setting in which it took place. But the transformation you underwent—how your thinking changed or emotional landscape shifted—that you’ll recall.”
In life, we talk ceaselessly. How much is truly heard? What gets remembered? And, how do some conversations sit dormant in the consciousness, set to blossom in the far future?
Sevilhano writes, “Like a supernova whose light reaches us years after the star’s explosion, the meaning of significant conversations often reveals itself long after the words themselves have faded from memory, or even consciousness.”
What’s more, we see that a conversation is not just the transcript of what was said. Think of the work of Albert Mehrabian, who found that in certain contexts, the impact of in communicating emotion was heavily weighted away from the words spoken (Body Language – 55%, Voice– 38%, and the actual Words– 7%).
While there is so much more to unpack in Sevilhano’s piece, I’ll just add one more thought – what does this mean for coaching? A conversation may take years to foster change in our clients, probably long after we stop seeing them. And, the actual words we say form a small portion of what they take in, with our tone and body language sending messages as well. It’s yet another reason to listen more than we speak with our clients, and to pay attention to mood, emotion, and energy. This is why ICF standards state that coaching should “notice, acknowledge, and explore energy shifts within the client” and a coach must “integrate the client’s words, tone, body language to determine the full meaning of conversation.”
Like quantum particles, the precise effect of coaching conversations is difficult to predict, and their impact may take years to manifest.
Coaching When Friends Are Scarce
Coach? Friend?
These roles share some common aspects but there are also critical distinctions.
Today I’m noodling on a recent article in The Atlantic, “Coaching Is the New ‘Asking Your Friends for Help’” As a coach, it’s giving me several “yes, and” moments:
“In some ways, coaching stands in for the free, civic sources of support that over the past decade have been slowly fading away. People are less likely now to be members of the kinds of community groups or religious congregations where they might have previously sought help. People today also have fewer close friends than they used to, and they may be reluctant to rely on those friends for help.”
It’s true that effective coaching shares many characteristics that a good conversation with a trusted friend or mentor possesses. It is also true that we belong to fewer clubs and organizations where we could find someone with a trained ear and open heart to talk to. Much research suggests we have fewer “real friends” (not the social media link-clickers) than people did in the past. But that number has always been low, like one to three people.
“In her book The Outsourced Self, the sociologist Arlie Hochschild writes that when it comes to advice, “anything you pay for is better.” A coach is like a super-friend—someone very smart and attentive who can help you make the best possible decision.”
So, a super-friend? Or as some have said, a Professional Friend? Again, the Venn diagram of coach and friend has overlap. When you engage the services of someone you’re just meeting, you don’t have to worry about what they may think of your issues. And you neither have to, or get to, reciprocate when they want you to listen to them. In a way, going to a coach could dilute your friendships by avoiding a commitment to reciprocity and not inviting intimacy and vulnerability in.
The article points out that many coaches do not possess high levels of training or accreditation:
“Coaches, who in many cases bear no qualifications other than personal experience, do not need to adhere to official standards.”
You can call yourself a coach with no training at all. But others, including me, go through some rigorous preparation that involves study, reading, lectures, practice, feedback, a written, proctored exam, and submitting a video of a coaching sessions for assessment. That’s just for the ICF's ACC badge.
If you think a coach may not have the necessary training, think about what training your friend has.
Overall, the article raised excellent points, maybe lacking detail in places. And I am seeing that coaching helps people. Done well, it can be a profession worthy of respect and something most of us can benefit from, as we do with fitness coaches, professional shoppers, beauticians, and even therapists. They all help us do things where we lack time, perspective, or experience in their respective fields of expertise.
If you’re working to improve yourself in some area, perhaps struggling with it - #coaching can help. I’d like to help. Please DM me if you have questions.
20 Summers
Last night I watched the last episode of the British show “Vera” with a bit of sadness. Actor Brenda Blethen, 78, decided to call time in order to — authentically — spend more time with family (and dog). “ . . . I came to realise I hadn't had a summer with my husband for 14 years. Naturally I missed my family. And my dog Jack, although he was with me in the North East, but I didn't see him much because I was working all day." she explained.
It reminded me of wisdom from another actor, Wendell Pierce of “The Wire” fame.
“At the age of 55, he feels the same biological anxiety as Willy Loman. ‘I got 20 summers left. That’s how I look at it now.’ He turns to an imagined aggressor: ‘At this stage of my life, I have 20 summers left. I’m not going to waste any time on you. .. wondering if your best days are behind you, trying to live a purposeful life . . . Like I said, I have 20 summers left. I have more days behind me than ahead of me.’”
https://www.ft.com/content/878c49d6-eed8-11e9-bfa4-b25f11f42901
And, do you ever have a tab open that has been there for months because you don’t know what to do with it? The post, “Why Don’t You F**king Retire Already?” by James Whittaker, ex-Google and many others, is like that for me. He writes, “None of us work to put food on the table. Not to put too fine a point on it, but our careers made us rich as fuck. Unless my colleagues have 7 to 8-figure financial needs I am unaware of, remaining in the workforce is a choice, not a necessity. And yet nearly all of them have made that choice.
“It’s a choice that clogs the advancement pipeline for younger people still in need of employment. It’s a choice that prevents newer, fresher ideas and perspectives from reaching positions of influence. It’s a choice that concentrates wealth where it isn’t needed.
I can’t delve into the minds of people who work beyond need or the specifics of their personal lives that make spending 40–60 hours a week away from said personal lives a desirable choice.”
https://medium.com/@docjamesw/why-dont-you-fucking-retire-already-3c47a039897c
Of course, independent means are not as prevalent as Whittaker says, he is talking only of the small slice of devs and other techies who made it big at unicorn companies. In fact, if you are reading this on LinkedIn, you are likely working because you have to, or looking for work because it is necessary for your livelihood. And if you are over 40, you are likely encountering ageism in hiring, making it even more an uphill struggle as smart writers like @Margaret McDonald inform us every day.
But, last night I watched Vera hang it up, and she left a note for her trusted subordinate Joe telling him “Time to spread those wings, pet”
If you are in or approaching the “20 Summers” zone, it might time to reassess where you put your energy. If you’re considering a change in course, #coaching can help. And if coaching can help, feel free to schedule time with me for a free consult.
“Why would we ever put you in a situation where you might fail?”
Did you know that the art of switch hitting is baseball is dying out? Every year there are fewer players in Major League ball who can do it. The decline is sharper among US players than Latin ones, because in the US players and coaches are afraid of failures that could make a player look bad, or reflect on a coach’s reputation should it cost them the game.
Is there a change you would like to make in your life, but hesitate because you don’t want to look unskilled, foolish, or maladept? Is saving face becoming more important than changing with the times?
Magic questions from Dr. Gabor Maté:
How does this benefit you?
What does it cost you?
If you would like help and support in making a change in your life, consider engaging a coach. Feel free to ask me any questions.
Why take coaching? Well, it could help you live longer, for one.
A signpost with multiple hand-lettered arrows pointing the way to various destinations.
A signpost with multiple hand-lettered arrows pointing the way to various destinations.
"Overall, the results demonstrate that purpose in life is a robust predictor of mortality, and thus a key dimension of well-being to attend to as people age ...
"a sense of purpose could become an increasingly important coping factor as people age. Some research has suggested that purpose in life can decline as people get old, while Hicks et al. showed that when people experience they have little time left, they draw more meaning from the present moment. Thus, helping people to retain a sense of purpose in life even when they get old could be an important factor to attend to and strengthen."
Read more here: To Live Longer, Find Your Purpose in Life